Thursday, December 25, 2008

Another Christmas, Another New Year

Another Christmas has come and gone and just around the corner comes a new year. I have been pondering what New Years Resolutions that I will attempt to adapt for 2009. However, in pondering this dilemma it occurred to me that if I join Weight Watchers or the gym right after the new year, both places will be very busy as everyone is going to join both organizations to attempt at a healthier lifestyle. I should just wait until April or May because by then, most people who have not kept their New years resolutions will no longer be attending said establishments. If I do wait until April or May FORGET about getting into that bathing suit or event thinking about going someplace in public wearing any such garment! So, what to do? what to do?...of course this is just an attempt at procrastinating what I know to be very good for me. Why is it so difficult to do what you KNOW you should do to better your life? It is so much easier to complain about what is wrong rather that fixing the problem or at least coming up with a plan in order to get where you know you ought to be? (did I just end a sentence with a preposition?) Here is another bit of advice that I have received through out the years, although it's not grammatically correct in any way, it rings very true and offers much insight: "IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT." Procrastinating has always been my flaw; one that I have inhabited into my life that is so involuntary that I don't even realize what I am doing until it is to late - in such case I have procrastinated until I discover that I have procrastinated! Think of how less stressful life would be if we all didn't procrastinate! That bill would be paid, that meal would be prepared, the laundry would be completed! Life would be more simple. I need simplicity. I am not going to procrastinate any longer! I am putting my foot down to myself and I am going to join weight watchers, the gym, drink 8-10 glasses of water EVERY day! I am going to create a schedule for meal preparation, set aside laundry days and get up every day at the same time so that I am not rushing around getting to work! and I'm going to start...TOMORROW!

Friday, December 12, 2008


My son likes to reason with me. Of course, his form of reasoning is as only an 8 year old can reason. He becomes angry and throws his hands up in the air and begins his sentence with "OH, MY GOOOOSSSHHH!" then the reasoning begins. Not so long ago, he wanted a cell phone. I totally can understand kids having cell phones when it is necessary for transportation issues or emergencies. I explained this to him and that he has no reason to have a cell phone at this time. So began the reasoning "OH, MY GOOOSSSHHH! ALL of my friends have cell phones, Mommy! One if them even has an iPhone!" (yeah, right!) since he really couldn't finish this line of reasoning with the outcome that he wanted, he gave up...but only for a short while.
We recently moved to a different elementary school district. During this transition, My son was going to latchkey in the morning before school and my husband was going to pick him up from school at the end of the day. I don't know why I thought that I could just instruct my son to meet my husband outside of the school instead of riding the bus. looking back, I think to myself..."Wow! how safe would that have been!" but I wasn't thinking very rationally at the time and my husband didn't catch it either.
The time had come for my husband to pick up my son at the end of the school day and for my son to meet my husband outside of the school. He didn't show up. My husband waited and waited and as the buses were pulling out of the parking lot, it dawned on him..."I bet they put him on the bus!" My husband followed the buses to our old house; sure enough, since my son didn't have a note stating that he was to be picked up from school, the staff made him ride the bus - to a vacant house.
My son was bawling his eyes out, and rightfully so! How could I have missed that! How could I have not "known" that I needed to give him a note NOT to ride the bus home that day? I felt horrible. My husband followed the buses to the old house and retrieved my son from what could have been an absolute mess! When my son got off the bus and saw my husbands vehicle he opened the car door and said "OH MY GOOOSSSHHH! I NEED A CELL PHONE! IF I WOULD HAVE HAD A CELL PHONE, I COULD HAVE CALLED YOU AND TOLD YOU THAT I WAS ON THE BUS!"
My husband heard about the necessity of my son having a cell phone all the way home. My eight year old had found his line of reasoning and wasn't going to let it go, he had us just where he wanted us and he knew it well! He play by play recaptured every minute of the past 15 minutes of this traumatic experience and explained how having a cell phone would have eliminated this situation. ( I think he actually used those words, he has an amazing vocabulary.)
Ironically, I did eventually purchase my son a cell phone with very strict limitations (he is only 8.) I let him pick out what phone he wanted and even downloaded songs for his listening enjoyment. Only as an 8 year old would do, he has moved on to bigger and better electronic gadgets and half of the time doesn't even know the whereabouts of his cell phone...go figure! I am just waiting for the next stream of rationality that is going to guilt me into purchasing a big ticket item, like in 8 more years, when he wants a car!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Remembering Dad

December 13, 2006, I lost my Dad. It was expected, but not accepted. I remember asking my Dad "Why don't you just let go?" You see, I wanted him leave this world and be in a place where there are no tears, no pain or sorrow; than to be here on earth -with me.
When my Dad was alive, he was in inspiration to many. He loved to sing and be around people. He loved life and I loved him. He has left behind a legacy, something for who he left behind to be proud. Although are personalities clashed some, I believe that he loved me with his whole being and that he is waiting for me in Heaven.
When I was younger, I found myself disappointing my Dad immensely. I thought that living my life and having my own experiences trumped anything he had to say to me about how I was going about "living" my life.
When I was 23 years old, I became pregnant. I had my own apartment and a good job and I was single. Of course, I just knew that this new was going to be devastating to my Dad. Looking back, I know that I felt this way because I knew he loved me so much that he didn't want me to get hurt or to have this responsibility to endure on my own. However, at the time, I just knew that he was going to reject and abandon me. My babies father was very supportive and tried to be consoling, but it wasn't the same, I needed my Dad. The night that my Mom told my Dad that I was pregnant, he came to my house. I was so afraid to answer the door. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I was so afraid of what he was going to say to me. I didn't want to let him in, so I went outside and barred the door. I could only imagine what he was feeling, but I knew that it wasn't pride. I expected him to yell and tell me what an awful mistake that I had made and that I could no longer be called his daughter. I knew that this would hurt him so much that their was no way to make a mends.
As soon as he saw me at the door, he reached both of his hands out and cupped my face. He looked at me straight in the eye with tears rolling down his cheeks and said "If there is a problem, I will help you. I will be there for you, whatever you need. You do not have to get married, I will take care of you and the baby." He kissed me on the forehead and he held me so tight for such a long time. I all of the sudden became that little girl again, the one that when she fell, he would just pick her up and dust her off to send her on her way.
I will never forget that moment with my Dad. Although it wasn't the best of situations, I learned that his love for me was unconditional. It was without merit, it was just love. When my Son was born, my Dad was head over heels in love with him. They soon became inseperable and my Son adored him and he adored my Son. I honestly believe that God gave my son to me so that I my Dad could have his "boy" for the last 6 years of his life. Their's was a realtionship that I can not put into words, I know that my Dad keeps his eye on my Son, he has to, he loved him that much.
7 days before I found out that I was pregnant, I celebrated my 23rd birthday. My Dad had stopped buying me presents when I was 18 because he thought that I could use money more than I could use a gift. This particular year, the gift that he gave me has come to mean so much to me over the years and is a motto that I have clinged to over the past couple of life experiences that seemed to have no light at the end of the tunnel: "The Will of God will never lead you, where the Grace of God doesn't keep you." When my Dad died, I held on to those words. My Dad Loved me enough to give me this message, to leave this legacy. I am forever grateful. Dad, I miss you. I love you. I will see you one day.

Sunday, November 30, 2008


In many cases, my life has been controlled by my fears. Facing fears has never been my strong suit. It is easier to just run the other way and to take a different route in life; rather than to face what is pigeon holding me from accomplishing anything....FEAR.
I spent kindergarten, elementary and junior high in a private school. When I was in the eighth grade, my parents decided that they would withdrawl me from a private school and enroll me into a public school. In Science class, at my new school, I knew that I was going to get a lab partner. I was very intimidated. I came from a school with 60 kids in my entire graduating class to a school 10 times the size. I wasn't very good with people. I was shy and timid. I just knew that whoever was going to be my lab partner, I was actually going to HAVE to talk to them. I had gone all day without talking to many people. The worst thing was that after Science class, I was going to eat lunch. Who was I going to sit with? Was I going to be the outcast? Was I going to be the one that sat alone and prayed for someone, anyone to sit with me? Or was I going to just pick a group and make myself known? I thought to myself, "I will just sit alone." All of this is running through my head as the Teacher was pairing lab partners. I quickly scowered the room and I saw him. It is important to know that at my private school, there was one group of boys. The clean cut boys with hair above their collars and they all wore ties. This boy, didn't have on a tie. He had on a heavy metal rock band black t-shirt. (I am aging myself) His hair was very long and he looked like he could fall asleep at any moment. This was the kind of person that I was afraid would be my lab partner and my fears come true. Sure enough, the teacher called my name, I went to my new seat and then she called HIS name. As soon as his name was called, I felt a rush of fear come over me. I wanted to run out of the room screaming..."No, No, not him! PLEASE!!" I just sat there, trying not to show the mess I was feeling inside. Could this be happening? I am going to wake up sooner or later, I just know it! No such luck. He was my lab partner for my very first "lab partner" experience in a public school.
When he sat down next to me, he looked at me and said "Are you new here?" very shyly and timidly I replied to him "yea". He introduced himself to me. I just grinned. Then a girl that sat in front of me said "are you new here? I am too!" "You want to sit with me at lunch?" I instantly felt some relief. I felt a little bit of my anxiety float away, however, there was this lab partner issue.
While that issue didn't disolve that day, it certainally did over time. He ended up being one of my very good friends in the 8th and 9th grade. The very last quarter in Science class, we got to pick our lab partners, he sat down next to me and said "You can't imagine us not being partners again...right? He was right.
When I am forced to face my fears, In the back of my head, I remember my "lab partner" experience. I remind myself that I was so afraid of the stereotype, not the actual person and not to judge a book by it's cover. I remind myself that what seems like it could be a bad situtation, most of the time, it works out for the best and I come out if it more happy than when I went in.
It has taken me a very long time, but I have slowly come out of my shell, gained confidence and have tried to rise above my fears. I am not fully there yet, it is an every day challenge to not let fear overtake me and cause me to loose focus of the goal.
I am 32 years old. Not to long ago, I asked myself, "If fear wasn't a factor, what would I have done with my life?" My first thought was that I would have obtained an education, one that would enable me to do something with my life that would be of value to others. So, I did it. I went back to school. It has been a challenge to say the least, but my fears of it have subsided and I am going to accomplish this, not for my family, my friends or even my career, but for myself.