Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Remembering Dad

December 13, 2006, I lost my Dad. It was expected, but not accepted. I remember asking my Dad "Why don't you just let go?" You see, I wanted him leave this world and be in a place where there are no tears, no pain or sorrow; than to be here on earth -with me.
When my Dad was alive, he was in inspiration to many. He loved to sing and be around people. He loved life and I loved him. He has left behind a legacy, something for who he left behind to be proud. Although are personalities clashed some, I believe that he loved me with his whole being and that he is waiting for me in Heaven.
When I was younger, I found myself disappointing my Dad immensely. I thought that living my life and having my own experiences trumped anything he had to say to me about how I was going about "living" my life.
When I was 23 years old, I became pregnant. I had my own apartment and a good job and I was single. Of course, I just knew that this new was going to be devastating to my Dad. Looking back, I know that I felt this way because I knew he loved me so much that he didn't want me to get hurt or to have this responsibility to endure on my own. However, at the time, I just knew that he was going to reject and abandon me. My babies father was very supportive and tried to be consoling, but it wasn't the same, I needed my Dad. The night that my Mom told my Dad that I was pregnant, he came to my house. I was so afraid to answer the door. My heart was beating a mile a minute and I was so afraid of what he was going to say to me. I didn't want to let him in, so I went outside and barred the door. I could only imagine what he was feeling, but I knew that it wasn't pride. I expected him to yell and tell me what an awful mistake that I had made and that I could no longer be called his daughter. I knew that this would hurt him so much that their was no way to make a mends.
As soon as he saw me at the door, he reached both of his hands out and cupped my face. He looked at me straight in the eye with tears rolling down his cheeks and said "If there is a problem, I will help you. I will be there for you, whatever you need. You do not have to get married, I will take care of you and the baby." He kissed me on the forehead and he held me so tight for such a long time. I all of the sudden became that little girl again, the one that when she fell, he would just pick her up and dust her off to send her on her way.
I will never forget that moment with my Dad. Although it wasn't the best of situations, I learned that his love for me was unconditional. It was without merit, it was just love. When my Son was born, my Dad was head over heels in love with him. They soon became inseperable and my Son adored him and he adored my Son. I honestly believe that God gave my son to me so that I my Dad could have his "boy" for the last 6 years of his life. Their's was a realtionship that I can not put into words, I know that my Dad keeps his eye on my Son, he has to, he loved him that much.
7 days before I found out that I was pregnant, I celebrated my 23rd birthday. My Dad had stopped buying me presents when I was 18 because he thought that I could use money more than I could use a gift. This particular year, the gift that he gave me has come to mean so much to me over the years and is a motto that I have clinged to over the past couple of life experiences that seemed to have no light at the end of the tunnel: "The Will of God will never lead you, where the Grace of God doesn't keep you." When my Dad died, I held on to those words. My Dad Loved me enough to give me this message, to leave this legacy. I am forever grateful. Dad, I miss you. I love you. I will see you one day.

1 comment:

twinmama said...

Oh my gosh, I am a mess reading this post! I knew it was hard for your Dad when he found out you were pregnant, but I never heard this story before.

You and your family are his legacy - he would be so proud of what you are doing in your life. I am sure he is right now.

It's a strange place to be as a Christian isn't it? I have loved ones here and I couldn't imagine leaving, but then there are loved ones in Heaven that I can't wait to see again. I miss my Dad, too.